Britney, Britney, Britney. What do you not understand about improving your chances of getting better custody claims of your children? You learn to drive, you stop boozing, stop flashing your chocha, pay any court-ordered fees, and you do all the drug tests you’re supposed. And have a phone number that the court can reach you at.

Do you need someone to spell it out to you? That means missing 8 out of 14 drug tests is plain bad for your chances. (Also, going through a red light, with your kids in the car is superbad. I know, I know. The bloody paparazzi are forever getting in your way.)

So it’s quite a surprise that the judge cut you a break. You been given way too many breaks. You don’t deserve anymore. But given your new Blackout album is #1 in Europe and other countries, you probably don’t care. Is that what you were celebrating when you dropped $200,000 on a Mercedes SL 65 the other night? Bloody hell, woman. You can’t even drive. Keep up this nonsense and you will have a meltdown.

British police, with crowbars in hand, forcibly raided Amy Winehouse’s home in North London, England, but apparently neither Amy nor hubby Blake were home at the moment of the raid, but some sources claim they were on the property or not far away. Other sources claimed Blake Fielder-Civil was arrested for some involvement in trying to fix a trial with cash bribes. The 24-year old singer has had all manner of problems lately, including drug charges in Norway.

Photo courtesy of Picture Perfect Agency.

Heather Mills, the estranged wife of Sir Paul McCartney, recently lost her PR adviser and has now officially parted ways with her divorce laywer. Mills, a former model before she lost a leg in a car accident, has been shooting off her mouth about her goings with Sir Paul and feeling like she’s on the brink of suicide. The result has been a steady thrashing of her by the British media. So she came to N. America to shoot off some more. Sir Paul is already seeing a new woman - the wife (?!!) of a lawyer and second cousin to Barbara Walters. But despite his trysts, kissing in cars and so on, he’s worried for the safety of his youngest daughter, Beatrice.

A number of celebrities have joined the picket lines in support of their respective show’s writers. Some of the the big names picketing in support of writers include Robin Williams and Julianne Moore, Larry David and Matt Groening, and Eva Longoria. However, Ellen Degeneres has drawn wrath upon herself by bloggers and other media types by being a strikebreaker.

Bad boy actor Mickey Rourke (9 1/2 Weeks) is looking worn out in his mugshot, taken after he was arrested while driving under the influence. On a blue Vespa scooter!

This must be proof that Hollyweird’s gone mental. Forty-eight-year old actress Rebecca De Mornay (Risky Business, The Hand That Rocks the Cradle) was just charged with DUI. I mean, you almost expect it from Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Paris, and Nicole Richie. But not so much from De Mornay and Kiefer Sutherland and whomever else. Soon they’ll run out of jail space for all the celebrities being arrested.

As if Anna Nicole Smith (or her spirit) haven’t been through enough, her ex-boyfriend and reputed stalker Mark Hatten feels he’s entitled to some of the inheritance money from Anna Nicole’s estate. Does anyone else think California’s divorce/ palimony laws are an utter joke?

Well, uh, okay, Christina. It’s not like we didn’t know already, several weeks ago, that you’re pregnant. Though some of us are still wondering if all of Hollyweird’s female celebs got together and decide to get pregnant together around the same time. Brooke Burke’s on her fourth, and a few celebs had babies this weekend. And there’s a whole bunch more that are pregnant or just popped.

No, say it ain’t so. Britney Spears is claiming that she’s been getting lip injections due to a minor car crash, and an air bag that smacked her in the face. Yeah, right. I’ll bet you’re just peeved that Lindsay Lohan puffed her lips first. You are not a blowup doll like Rihanna in these pics. Aren’t you tired of being made fun of by Ron Jeremy and others? Please, no more fake lips in Hollyweird. It is NOT sexy.

This sounds like the beginning of a joke, but Britney Spears met up with K-Fed’s attorney in a bar of all places. What’s wrong with this picture? She’s trying to get additional custody rights of her kids, but she’s meeting in bars. Were all the coffee shops closed? Though I’m not sure all the coffee in America (or tea in China?) will help sober up this seriously messed up young woman.